I’ve been told I have an addictive personality. I took this as a huge compliment until I realized that it did not mean that people found my nature to be absolutely irresistible (read: addicting personality, which I still think I just might have xoxo), but rather that my compulsive obsession with chewing Orbit Peppermint Gum was maybe becoming a problem — that became crystal clear when the acid reflux kicked in.
I think I’ve probably had four real addictions in my life: (1) Orbit, (2) Trader Joe’s Crunchy Raw Almond Butter, (3) Instagram.com, (4) productivity.
I recognize that saying I’m addicted to productivity might make me seem like I’m a really boring, high-functioning goody-two-shoes. Like I might go into an interview and insist that my only weakness is that I like work too much. But if you saw what I meant you would not hire me. I’m less “go-getter,” more “Jack from The Shining—” my to-do lists look like the “all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy” book, all scary chicken scrawl, except in my case Shelly Duvall is flipping through and screaming at page upon page of “go grocery shopping, change sheets, write Aunt Helen a thank you note.” I plan my time down to the minute in a way that only people whose minutes are worth millions should, like guests on “How I Built This” and people who earnestly browse the Mansion section for summer homes, writing things down just to have the cheap thrill of crossing them off.
Last Tuesday morning, though, somewhere between items four (“take shower”) and five (“brush teeth,”) the joyless march through my horror-movie to-dos came to a screeching halt when I dropped my (mom’s) gold earring behind a radiator.
Still soaking wet from item four, I had no choice but to lay my robed body on the bathmat and embark on a rescue mission. I spent 30 minutes like that, my pointer finger wedged between the cracks in the floor, trying to fish-out this little hoop — like taking a turn on a mini claw machine, but with more water, and with a family heirloom hanging in the balance.
Finally, my hair turning from dripping to damp and a blister blooming under my fingernail, I fished out my little prize with a sense of accomplishment and an embarrassing grin on my face. I think I said “hot dog!” or something like that out loud to just me.
With the earring securely fastened in my lobe, I’d whiled away the allotted time for a whole slew of to-dos — and it didn’t matter at all. The world was still spinning, and everything that needed to happen would happen if it really needed to happen so badly. It’s a necessary evil of inconveniences, I think, to show up and offer some perspective.
Those moments that render everything else to be utterly insignificant, like a wedding or a funeral or a week in the hospital or when your mom’s earring falls behind the radiator (“I got those when I was in Italy, Kate!!), serve as welcome reminders to me. They poke a hole in my inflated sense of self — the one that thinks she needs to operate like she’s on the Forbes “30 Under 30” list — and bring my big balloon head down to earth. .
I had to cut myself off completely from Orbit Gum, and I think I might have to quite to-do lists cold-turkey, too, and focus on doing things that are purely and completely useless. Here’s this week’s list of unproductive things I did this week because I felt like it, and not because I wanted it to be done — my To Don’t List.
Started watching Mare of Easttown
Your dad is not kidding when he says that this show fricking rocks. Kate Winslet deserves an Emmy for the way that she drinks beer in this program. There’s also a scene where she puts Cheez-Wiz on a cheese puff, for the Academy’s consideration.
Convinced my mom to make this almond rhubarb cake
We’ve decided that because it has almonds in it, we should treat it as a snack, and not a dessert. This allows us to have almond rhubarb cake at around 10:30 AM.
Bought these shoes
They just arrived. I’m wearing them right now. I’m experiencing the pure joy that can only come from Buying Things.
Did four crosswords
“Tanning targets,” five letters. I thought it was “backs” or maybe “lines” but you know what it was? “HIDES!” Ha!
Loved it!
For your To Don’t List ask your mother how to play the wallpaper sample game.